Sunday, April 23, 2017

Sunday Night: Not Sleeping

Evening all.  As usual, I am still here plugging away.

Lots of stuff going on.  Doctor consultations and the agony of deciding what to do for the best.  As it turns out, we seem to have zero choice in the matter.  Surgery is a must.  The spouse will undergo what is probably the most major surgery one can have and the thought of him not making it through is so unacceptable to me that I am compartmentalizing the whole thing and visualizing only post surgery, with him making a full recovery.  I have a constant dull ache in my lower gut which I know is stress manifesting itself.  I am also eating everything in bloody sight and that's not helping.  Food is "comfort" but is it really?  NO.  Not to this extent.  I am completely at sea at the moment, but drawing on the coping skills that I have learned over the past decade.  I am not shopping, or hoarding, or pigging out at the local buffet.  Just eating all the groceries and watching too much escapist TV.

I have plans for this week.  Decluttering.  If heaven forbid, something happens to the spouse, my adult children will do one of two things: ask me to move closer or move in with me.  I won't be here by myself.  So decluttering must continue, either for house sale or to make room for some people.  It is a thought and situation that I don't allow myself to think about.  I am so 'good' at denial and pretending that disaster isn't imminent.  It's how I survived my father.

Let's talk about something over which I have some control: spending.  I am on track for reaching my grocery budget goal at the end of 2017.  One third of the year has almost passed and I am right on track to spend $6500 on food this year, which is half of what we have been shockingly spending in past years.  I haven't been inside a mall in months (since Xmas) nor have I been inside a restaurant.  Restaurants were my biggest problem ~ I loved to have other people cook for me!!  Now, I can't stand the thought, thanks to Kitchen Nightmares and food poisoning.  Food ~ it's purchase, preparation, consumption ~ is absolutely the next realm of life that I need to conquer.  I'm getting there.  Slowly.

I am thankful for my now small circle of family and friends who are truly here for me.  They have always been here for me, as I am for them always.  Together, they will help me ~ and we will help each other ~ to get through this latest crisis.

Of course, I wouldn't be 'me' if I weren't engaging in some soul searching and self analysis in a better effort to understand my motivations and to try to forgive myself for certain transgressions.  I try not to transgress anymore.  In fact, there's no try to it ~  I do not transgress plain and simple.  I work to live a clean and simple life, devoid of deception, lies and self destruction.  I'm just trying to be a better person, kinder to myself and others.  When I think of some of the things I've done, I feel a deep shame to the core and it's a very uncomfortable feeling.  I see now why I worked so hard to never have to feel that feeling again.  It's devastating to realize that those who were supposed to have loved, supported and protected one as a child actually did the complete opposite and turned one into an anxiety ridden shameful mess, full of deep insecurities and self loathing.

On that note, my Zero Contact stance remains intact.  I have not contacted my UK family and I don't have any plans to contact them.  This Zero Contact thing is working out OK for me.  I miss talking to my mum but apparently her memory loss has accelerated and she 'wouldn't know me if she fell over me' ..... one of her favorite sayings.  I have accepted that my mother is at the end of her life and I can only hope that the end comes with dignity.  If I am called upon by extended family in any way for assistance in this regard, however, I will provide it.  I'm not heartless.  My only request in that case will be for my father to be kept far away from me.  He made me what I was: angry, reckless, defiant, indulgent, addictive, ignorant, irresponsible .... and I don't want to be that person ever again.  I don't want to see him or talk to him.  My relationship with him, such as it was/wasn't, is over and done.  Dead.

I have a very good relationship with certain other extended members of my UK family.  We chat back and forth.  These family members know what my father is and so I am allied with them.  They are supportive and we have long histories with each other that can't seem to be killed LOL  We share gossip and they let me know how my mum is doing as and when they get news.  It's far better than nothing.

In my own immediate family life, I have 3 great children who have gradually come into their own over the past year or so.  These 3 are pursuing careers at the top of their games.  I am very proud of them and their hard won achievements.  All 4 of my children went to university and acquired degrees from the top programs.  However, 1 of my children ~ Cat ~ began to go astray in 2011.  She still managed to finish college and gain her credentials, a minor miracle indeed.  Since then, I have had to cut her out of my life a couple of times.  We stopped talking to each other from 2011 to 2013 after she stole a large sum of money from me to fund her drug habit.  I let her back into my house in 2013 after the guy she was living with threatened to kill her with an assault rifle because she was using him for rent.  She stole from me again in 2015 and I haven't seen or heard from her since, although I know exactly where she is, what she is doing, and which guy she is using now.  There have been a succession of these hapless types, funding her lifestyle.  I have my own means of keeping tabs on her for now, which I do to make sure she is still alive.  I believe that Cat is most certainly a narcissist, if not a sociopath.  There is no reasoning with addicts.  I should know.

My question:  Cat knows full well of her father's medical condition and need for impending surgery.  She doesn't know that the surgery has come up on us faster than expected and so .... should we tell her what's going on, even though she has made no effort to apologize for her latest theft, or should we shut her out and tell her afterwards, when and if?  Her drug use over the years has made her unstable and arrogant and we don't need any more drama so this has to be considered.

I think I've gotten some stuff off my chest here, maybe now I can sleep.  Off to bed.  I hope life is being kind to you.  Peace.