Saturday, January 21, 2017

A Mixed Bag


It's a cold day with an icy wind here in the desert today!  The rain has stopped temporarily but there is more on the way.  It's a nice change of pace in the weather for us and I'm enjoying the respite before the temperatures will soon heat up again.

All is quiet here.  The spouse is working overtime on a project and bringing home more bacon than usual, which has enabled us to pay down credit card debt much faster than we'd hoped.  We are finding ourselves in a stronger place financially now that the kids have all just about finished with college.

I've been cleaning and decluttering: it's a continual process.  May 15th will mark the 10 year anniversary of the day that I began to realize that I was in dire financial straits again, sinking into foreclosure and bankruptcy.  Again.  May 15th 2007.  Has it really been 10 years?  I think if I'd known back then that it would take 10 years for me personally to get my attitudes and my financial house in order, I may well have become so disheartened that I would've stopped before I started!!  Thank goodness I didn't know how long it would take me.

I'm doing well with my grocery challenge.  I have $144 a week to spend on any and all food expenditures including Starbucks and restaurants but I am finding that there is no money left over for Starbucks and restaurants!  All of my budget is spent at my usual grocery stores for the ingredients for home cooked meals and work day lunches.  There are 3 adults living at home right now so it works out to $48/week/person.  I buy a lot of organic food too.  If I cut down on the organics, my bill would be lower but I'm not willing to do that so ....

I've started to separate the clothing in my closet into the stuff I wear all the time vs the stuff I never seem to wear.  I put the stuff I never wear into a different room's closet so that I don't have to look at it and the result is that I never go looking for it and I don't miss it.  Does this mean I should donate it?  I can't imagine how much money I've lost over the years in donating the results of my impulsive shopping trips for clothing I never needed ~ thousands of dollars worth without a doubt.  I used to take black trash bags filled with never-been-worn clothing with the price tags still attached to the local women's shelter thrift shop.  I haven't done that in a while but maybe I should make one last trip?  I'm giving it serious consideration.

I heard from a family member in the UK that my father's most recent operation to correct urinary incontinence was unsuccessful.  He will have to wear a catheter now to the end of his days.  I get the feeling that both of my parents are not long for this world but I have already let go.  I'm aware that most people wouldn't understand my stance in letting go before they're gone, but then most people didn't live the harrowing childhood that I lived with a male parent who victimized little kids.  Some things are just unforgivable and I battle daily with my inability to forgive.  I find myself reaching a certain point of forgiveness but then completely unable to progress beyond that given point to a place of total forgiveness.  I cannot seem to get there just yet but I'm determined to find peace with my mindset anyway.

So that's where things are at today.  Life is good and we are healthy.  I am grateful for my life in America and I adore my spouse.  I am looking forward to the future.

6 comments:

  1. I know many people say that forgiveness is important to the healing of the person who was hurt, but I can very much understand how difficult it would be to find that place and peace within yourself after the pain you were subjected to. I think if you're able to find any place of forgiveness, that's a huge start.

    If you know you're not going to use or wear any of those clothes, it seems like it would be best to sell or donate it so someone else can use it. It's a sunk cost at this point, so keeping them wouldn't recoup the thousands you've already lost. Letting it go saves you room and the mental space of thinking about it. I wonder if you have any consignment shops you could leave them at in case they can sell?

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  2. I can never forgive my father for the violence toward my mother and the terror we all lived through. But, I don't dwell on it and they are both dead. I do not think if I said I forgive him it would help me mentally. I don't forgive him. I cope by not dwelling on it. I have churchy people scream at me, further victimizing me, yelling or quietly reprimanding me for my unwillingness to say I forgive him. If I said the words they demand to hear just to appease them and OBEY them, it would hurt me even worse.

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  3. @Revanche ~ I think, more than anything, I have come to terms with the situation with my parents, particularly my father, and the effect that his violence had on me throughout my entire life. I have my answers now as to why I was continually reckless and impulsive when I was younger and I realize the costs in terms of the various and many life opportunities that I have lost. I was ill equipped from the very beginning. My father's plan for me in life was to experience the same failures that he has experienced as a person living with an untreated mental illness. He wanted me to end up in the village as an old woman living alone with no one. The fact that I didn't end up that way caused me to view myself differently: as a survivor and that increasingly brings me joy and hope!

    I took some of the clothing to the shelter's thrift shop and the ladies there were very happy to receive it. I will deal with this small hoard pretty much as I did with the larger hoard of long ago: little and often as the mood strikes. I find I am able to let go without remorse :)

    @PP ~ I know what you mean. My problem has been the rage that surfaced, especially after my last visit to the UK when I had to witness my father abusing my mother again. And then he came for me but I stood my ground .... then literally bolted. I just went into orbit and didn't come down for months. However, this past couple of weeks has been easier, I am not as angry. I cannot live in this angry state and I always like to analyze myself to see 'where I'm at' emotionally. I don't want to slip back into hoarding, overspending and overeating. That is what my father would want. Therefore, I believed that making peace with myself would involve some level of forgiveness towards my father but ..... I am realizing more and more that he doesn't DESERVE to be forgiven because he won't get help and he continues to inflict his abuse on other people. I see that he will never change. Maybe 'forgive' was the wrong word to use. It's not for his benefit anyway, it's for mine. I prefer to use the word 'PEACE' ..... I am working towards inner peace and dwelling on my shitty childhood less and less.

    As the therapists say on Hoarders: "You have to feel it to heal it."

    Personally, I have found that to be the truth.

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