Wow. I can remember many times in the 1990s, and around 2005-2007 and then again a few years ago, when I needed to lose 100 pounds. Today, I 'only' need to lose 47! In the not so distant past, such weight loss effort seemed impossible for me without gastric bypass intervention because I needed my food fix, my crutch. I couldn't stay out of the fridge or pantry. I actually began to research the procedure in desperation. I was willing to mutilate my insides with an irreversible surgery to get the weight off. I was willing to try anything. Hell, I even tried Fen/Phen!! My spouse and kids dissuaded me from the gastric bypass route and personally I am glad they did. Just lately, I have been reading forums full of people who greatly regret having had the surgery, almost all of them suffering unintended side effects such as anorexia and food phobia. I also discovered that the long term success rate is LESS than 5%!!!
All of my addictions are rooted in the violence of my childhood. I ate for comfort whenever I could then, and the behavior carried through for decades afterwards. The full dysfunctional sickness of my UK family has really become very clear to me, clearer than ever. I have decided to go 'no contact' with my parents, as well as my very damaged sister and her family. They are no good for me and they never will be. They are still wallowing over there in the sick dynamics of yore and I'm going to leave them to it. I don't live like that any more.
I have lost 10 pounds so far this month. In the first week of December, I weighed 222. Today, I weigh 212. The problem is how I did it. I caught Norovirus a week ago and boy is that virus ever brutal. I was taken ill last Saturday night after having to go to a fast food chain for dinner. We'd been out all day, driven 400 miles and there was no way that dinner was going to be cooked at home. Should've organized things much better but there ya go. Nowt in life is perfect. I'm guessing that a sick employee handled my food and voila. I was the only one who was sickened by the food so I guess that's a positive?
Anyway, I've spent 5 days in bed/sofa, completely unable to eat for 4 of those days. Agonizing stomach pains, vomiting and all the rest. Absolutely brutal. I thought that one of my ribs might be cracked but I'm feeling better so probably not. Dehydration has been the biggest problem. By day 3, I was ready to go to the ER with a rapid heart rate (a sign of dehydration) but was able to drink gingerade in small sips, thankfully. Was able to drink more yesterday and today, drinking even more. ER trip avoided thus far.
Well, once again, this has cemented my own personal view of eating outside of my own kitchen. I'm just not doing it anymore AT ALL NO MATTER WHAT. I will attend functions but I will push food around my plate. If someone has a birthday or other celebration, I will show up and eat only dry chips with a beer, nothing else. This latest episode has really taught me a lesson on a couple of fronts.
#1. One never knows who has handled one's food in these restaurants and what they've done with/to it. Did the employee wash their hands after going to the bathroom? There's absolutely no way to say for sure. So many unknowns. Too many.
#2. I EAT TOO MUCH. WAY TOO MUCH.
Today, I managed 500 calories. My stomach needed something in it, even though the risk of direct expulsion remains very real. So, 500 calories is not very much food. It's a couple of small slices of gluten free toast, a boiled egg, a child's apple sauce serving, a piece of string cheese and 5 smallish dry crackers. That amount of food is TINY compared to what I usually wolf down. Now, I know that no one could or should be trying to live on 500 calories. For my height and frame, I should be eating around 1400 calories when no exercise is involved that day. If I want to have a splurge, I would need to get on the treadmill or go walking with the crew and burn some extra calories. Point is, it doesn't take much to reach 1400 calories. A dinner plate piled high will most definitely exceed my calorie allowance and, despite the fact that I already know this, my powers of denial are strong. This is why I am clinically obese.
So, 5 days of being unable to eat has been a real eye opener for me. I believe it is the catalyst that is going to spur me on now and get my head straight with regards to 'curing' my obesity.
One of my kids has moved back home for a while. Grad school has finished and the ensuing plan is being worked. With the kid in the house plus the spouse (both of whom eat like horses) I am going to have to be sly and cunning over the following week while I lay the groundwork for my own plan.
What am I on about?
Well, I am going to drag this sickness out for another week, get these two dudes used to the idea that they too are eating too much. Because what happens around here is that the spouse starts going on about chocolate and cookies or the adult child starts carping on about pizza and then I am screwed. They are both well over 6 feet in height and can eat far more than I am able to eat. So, this week they have been watching me eat absolutely nothing and they are starting to think about their own eating habits.
From my vantage perch on the sofa, I am genuinely shocked at how many extra calories are disappearing into their stomachs and I am NOT being judgmental. I've consistently been far worse. It's just an eye opener that has come along at the right time.
So, I'm going to take my time recovering from this virus, not expending too much energy, so that I can get used to the food intake that I'm actually supposed to be consuming. I'll be planning menus and recipes and working on a daily health plan for the coming year.
I recognized the moment when I beat my hoarding behavior. I have never and will never return to that behavior again.
I recognized the moment when I finally had all my spending under control. It has taken me years to control my spending but I am THERE. Finish Line. Winner. Once upon a time, I was a shopaholic with a massive hoard and bankrupt. I will never return to that way of living again.
Today, I am recognizing the moment that I may have my eating disorder licked (excuse the pun). I won't be defined by this fat and unhealthy body any longer.
Give me the strength.