Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Sounding Off

Well, I am still here.  I've basically spent the past 2 months beating myself up for being so stupid.  How could I ever have thought that my opinion would have any effect on my father's failure and ineptitude?  It's ridiculous.  My sister wound me up so much regarding my father's neglect of our mother that I was just ready to go for his throat.  My melodramatic, drama queen sister exaggerated the entire situation, dragging me back over to the UK with the thought that my mother was dying.  My mother is 83 years old.  What do we expect?  Of course, she isn't going to live forever but she certainly wasn't in the throes of death, far from it.  Well, mission accomplished, Sis.  You know how much I hate our father and it wasn't a stretch for you and your husband to imagine me going off half cocked.  The only possible motive for this scheme has to be MONEY. 

Still, I blame myself too for being so fucking stupid.  I should never have gone, I should've made my excuses for not going, and I should've just carried on living the life that I had put back together here.  I'm not being selfish, am I?  Both my sister and I suffer from PTSD.  We exhibit that in different ways. I should've recognized that I was getting sucked back in.

Regarding my blood family in the UK, I have made 4 observations:

1.  My sister is not the trustworthy, neutral sibling I thought she was.  I have discovered that she is conniving, unstable and full of a rage which is kept barely under wraps underneath her 'tolerant' attitude.  As soon as my back is turned or I am out the door, my sister starts imagining all sorts of other dialogue in her mind and our detente no longer exists.

2.  There is nothing I can do for my mother even though she asked for my help.  My father is the proverbial narcissist, a sociopath even, and my mum has been trapped in his web for years.  I feel horrible about this situation and feel that I have abandoned her.  My sister tells me that our family is not close and this is why so much of what has happened to our mother flew under her radar.  Oh really?  Are you sure it's not because you just couldn't be bothered?

3.  I haven't had a real relationship with my father, ever.  Maybe when I was a kid we came close a couple of times but the truth is, I have hated the man since I was about 8 years old.  He beat all the love out of us.  I don't care if I never see him again.  He is the source of ALL of my rage.

4.  I am effectively an orphan, with no family left in the UK as of this moment.  My sister and I were regularly abandoned emotionally as kids so I'm used to being frozen out.  After the big fight with my father, I have most definitely been frozen out.  My sister wants whatever money my father has left when both he and my mother are dead so she stopped giving me text updates weeks ago.  She has erased her competition!  Therefore, I have no idea what is going on over there in the UK with regards to health, doctor and hospital appointments, or scheduled surgeries that either of my parents are enduring.  I have no plans to crawl to my sister for information or anything.  I have lived for over 30 years without her input, help or company and I will live another 30.  I hope.

My eating has morphed out of control!  I can't stop it.  Food is my drug.  I stuff my feelings down and then feel shame and guilt at what I am doing to myself.  I cannot keep on like this.  I know that my feelings stem from the chaos of my childhood and those feelings run deep.  I keep setting myself up for anxiety and self loathing and I want it to stop.  I don't have any answers but I feel that my eating habits are becoming as out of control as my hoarding and spending once did, so I must find a solution.

When I stopped hoarding, I focused on the piles of stuff that had accumulated over the years and obsessed over how much money had been wasted.  Therefore, I have spent the past 8 years getting rid of the stuff and building savings.  It took 8 years to get to our present position of solvency.  I don't hoard.  I don't spend.  I'm still a work in progress but I'm winning.

As I've said before, my biggest opponent is ME.  It was drummed into me consistently as a kid that I was greedy, that I ate too much, that I was fat and useless and unlovable.  Especially unlovable.  So now, even now, I am constantly fighting with my poor self image and low self esteem.  I am overweight now, although as a kid and adolescent, I was model thin.

Two of my kids have arrived for Thanksgiving and I am impressed by how much they have grown emotionally over the past year.  They are strong and confident, so different from me despite my years of life experience.

My daughter has advised that I start to really challenge myself in order to break the bad eating habits that I cannot (or will not) shake.  So, I am going to give her advice some thought. 

January 1st 2017 seems like an obvious choice to start a challenge LOL, especially seeing as how we still need to get through Xmas and the New Year's Eve holidays.  I cannot allow myself to continue this negative pattern of thinking because it is dragging me under, so I'll be back with some ideas on how I plan to give my outlook a much needed lift.

I will also focus more on our planned move from house to RV because, after all, that is supposed to be the focus of this blog!

Happy Thanksgiving.

6 comments:

  1. Listen, they're still your mother and father regardless. Stop beating yourself up. You went back. You saw them. God forbid should they have died before you saw them one more time, you may be feeling quite differently.
    You did it. You're a great daughter. Now, move on. You did a very good thing. Regardless of the outcome.
    We all have family matters. We do what we can and then move along.
    Take care!

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  2. So glad you are going to focus on YOU now. I can't imagine what you endured on your visit to the UK, but you survived. You're tough. I'm glad you aren't playing games with your sister. I would think that should one of your parents die, she will make contact with you, because it's the right thing to do. At least you can say you did see them one last time. I hope that you enjoy the holidays with your kids & husband. Cherish the relationship you have with your kids, and be thankful it's much better than yours is with your parents. Relax & enjoy your family. Looking forward to your new plans for adventure in your RV!

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