Saturday, September 9, 2017

Sleepless In Mojave Part 342234

It's almost 1am and I'm unable to sleep.  Whenever I toss and turn in bed, I give it the better part of an hour and then, if I'm still wide awake, I get up and read or type.  That's what I'm doing now.  I have thoughts in my head and they need to come out.

1.  I went on the first of my 2 trips of the month.  It was a weekend out of town to a casino.  All I can say is, what a fleecing dump.  The room was definitely OK but the resort fee wasn't OK.  There was no mention of that on the website and so I ended up paying double what I thought I was going to pay.  Yes, we ate in restaurants and the prices were sky high.  $30 for mashed potatoes?  Count me out.  We got sick on our first night, I swear to g-d.  Everywhere we went, the goal was to separate us from our money.  Unbelievably expensive, way too hot, too many consumers, not much fun at all.  We drank, gambled, went to a club, went to a show, went shopping in overpriced shops.  The bloom is definitely off that rose.  It was boring.

2.  My adult child who is moving out of state for a job has been an absolute bear to be around.  I guess it's because of the apprehension involved in moving far away?  I don't know.  Spoiled, argumentative, snippy, rude, ungrateful.  I'm tired of it.  The spouse is far more patient than I am and takes this sort of thing in stride.  Me?  I go into orbit.  I am tired of other people's bullshit, family or not, and I refuse to be disrespected, a doormat.  I always put myself out for my kids.  I have already spent several thousands of dollars to make this move happen.  Were it not for the spouse and me, this kid wouldn't be able to go anywhere.  So, how about some gratitude?  I really am tired of the constant bullshitty attitude and cannot wait to pack up the car and wave goodbye.  Honestly, I am at the end of my rope with these kids of mine.  Obviously, I have made mistakes in their upbringing and they are probably as sick of me as I am with them.  But still, I have tried my best and we were very close once but they have moved away and I am hurt by some of the things that are currently going on.

3.  Our debate regarding selling the house vs. not selling the house goes on.  The spouse wants to sell up and hit the road but I can't make a decision.  Having already royally fucked up our finances in the past, I have now swung the other way and have become too careful.  The old reckless me has gone and it's apparent that I can't wish her back.  I keep telling myself to 'take the chance' and 'hope for the best' but that approach served me very poorly indeed and now I just can't take that chance.   Every time I think I have it all figured out, a wave of trepidation reminds me that the world is a very different place than it was 20 years ago.  My inability to make this decision is causing depression.

4.  Cat has moved to Las Vegas.  She grifted a car out of some acquaintance or other and, along with her drug addled friend, has moved to probably the worst place on the planet for someone like her to move.  This is probably going to turn into an even bigger shit show but the situation is out of my hands.  I hope she gets her life together before it's too late.  Time is running out (for us all).

5.  East Coast trip is coming up.  However, I have a lot to do here at home and the past 6 months have been a bit crazy around here.  Not much has been done.  I am looking forward to being back at home with nothing immediate on my calendar so that I can focus on cleaning and painting, putting in new floors and making some upgrades.  I just want to stay home for a while, just me and the spouse.  No adult kids living here, everyone living their own lives, financing themselves.  We need our own lives back now, we've been through enough.

6.  I no longer intend to lend anyone any money.  Family members have approached us recently for loans for surgeries and the like.  We have made a couple of loans that will need to be paid back.  People are going to have to fund themselves in the future.  We just made a loan to a family member who needed surgery but who has just returned from a vacation!!  WTF  What the hell was this person doing taking a trip when they knew that surgery was right around the corner?  There's that lack of respect again .... but I will say that we agreed to the loan before we knew about the vacation.  I have enough problems with family members right now without adding to the list so .... we went ahead and made the loan but I'm not happy.  I feel a bit used and abused.  I realize that I have allowed this to happen.

7.  This is the longest rough patch I have been through emotionally in a while.  I have a zero tolerance for bullshit and I have cut out an awful lot of awful people.  The past year has been really tough and I just want to say that I really, really, really wish I had listened to my gut and NOT gone back to England in 2016.  I made a huge mistake going back there and I am mentally still paying for it.

8.  Thank you for listening.

Monday, September 4, 2017

Labor Day: I'm Laboring

1.  I have had a horrible 3 days worth of bad mood and temper and the spouse says that I must go find some help for my depression.  I don't really feel that this is depression with which I struggle.  It is rage.  Therefore, I need to go find further help for my rage.  I went to a therapist a couple of years ago and it was OK but expensive.  I have spent some hours today online reading about treatments and therapies for dealing with rage and, judging from the comments section of some of these articles, dealing with rage can be a years long (life long, even) endeavor.  All I know is, I am becoming frustrated with my life as it currently sits.  I went to the UK a year ago and my rage level when I returned home was high.  A year later, it is now worse than ever.  No one seems to understand.  My children don't understand because they were never abused in the manner that I, my sibling and my mother were abused, although by far I was abused the most.  I am taking that fucking trophy.  I earned it.  I was the unwanted and unplanned child and I got it from both sides.  All sides. There is just no way I am ever going to overcome the lasting effects of my shitty start in life but I am going to have to find ways to manage the rage and anger now, before I turn into a total and complete witch that no one wants to be around.

2.  The 'failure to launch' adult child who moved back home with us after graduation from university earlier this year has landed a good job in a different state.  Thank all the gods.  Move out date is in one week.  The apartment has already been secured.  I am gathering together bits of furniture and housewares to furnish said apartment as the spouse and I have already anted up a fair chunk of change for this move and we don't want to spend any more money than necessary.  This is it for us now.  We will no longer have any adult children on the payroll as of October, when that first paycheck rolls in from the new job. I will miss this particular kid a great deal but this is by far the best and most favorite option: that he gets himself his own life.  I am not easy to live with and I'm having a hard time right now.  I need space and recovery, especially since the spouse's traumatic surgery was only 4 months ago.  I am hoping, praying that this job works out and that the kid will finally launch.

3.  One of my other kids is having money problems.  This kid is married but not on the same financial page as his spouse.  The spouse in question likes to spend and give money to extended family members and it is causing problems.  I wasn't aware of the situation until recently when they couldn't make rent.  I have already rescued them several times, even going so far as to let them move back home with us.  It was a nightmare then and it will be a nightmare now, hence no invitation to move back here has been extended this time.  My kids have got to learn to live within their means and by themselves without any help from us.  My DS is a highly skilled professional, making an excellent income.  However, as I always say, there is never enough money so ya have to learn to make do with what ya have.  If Michael Jackson can die $1 billion in debt, after having made $1 billion in his lifetime, what does that tell ya?  It's easy to spend every single cent and end up on the street, as I almost did 10 years ago.  I know how easy it is.  Anyway, let's just say that my DS and spouse are no longer living in their apartment and have moved in with a family member on the opposing team.  I'm staying out of it.

4.  A big part of my extreme mood swings right now is my sibling in the UK and her reports on the goings on with my parents.  Bear in mind that I have resumed receiving my news second hand from another extended family member because I am still completely unable to have a rational, productive conversation with my sibling at this time.  She makes me extremely angry with her drama queening.  My sibling is also filled with rage but doesn't realize it yet.  I was at that stage once, when I couldn't face the awful facts but I have moved way beyond that point now.  Speaking with my sibling sets me back YEARS emotionally and I just don't have the energy to keep 'going back there'.  I only want to move forward.  Therefore, Zero Contact must be enforced.  I digress. Apparently, the social worker is trying to place my mother in a nursing home and my father in a tiny flat in the town.  My father is having none of it.  Things have gone from being inert to full tilt in a matter of days.  I guess the moldy old dump that my parents have been living in for the past several decades really grabbed the attention of the medical community.  It is possible that the mold has caused major health problems for the both of my parents.  I have no idea how this is all going to play out because the subject of money (as in, how much money does my father have?) has raised its ugly head and the thought of whatever money he does have, disappearing into a nursing home to pay my mother's bills, has apparently caused some big arguments.  I'm staying out of it.

5.  What else?  I have 2 trips coming up fast.  A 3 day binge with the spouse for his birthday, health permitting.  He says he feels great but, to me, he looks tired.  Whatever we do, it will be low key but fun.  We need some fun.  And the opportunity to be alone and talk things over without ears listening in all over the house.  My other trip is a trip to the East Coast.  The spouse is staying home.  This will be the first time I have ever gone on a trip by myself.  I usually hate doing things by myself so I'm trying to look on this as an adventure, some personal growth.  Christ, being stunted from birth has been a real bitch for me.  I know for a fact that my brain has never been right, regardless of how funny that sounds!  I just know that my brain development as a newborn through the age of 5 couldn't have been normal.  How could it?  Shut away for years with a depressed mother and an enraged violent sperm donor, without playmates or much in the way of stimulation, out in the middle of fucking nowhere without a car!!  The neurons just didn't make the connections they should've made.   Considering that 90% of a child's brain is developed by age 5??  Yes, I have all the answers now as to why I am the way I am, and why I did the things I did all throughout my life.

"Brain development is the most significant from birth to age 3. The brain's capacity develops 90 percent before a child reaches age 5." <------ THIS.  How scary.  Well, at least I didn't turn into a serial killer ......

6.  A bright spot:  Our finances are healthy and I no longer hoard.  I don't even go shopping for crap anymore.  Just food.  I still have some residual items that I need to get rid of and I have promised myself that I will do just that when I return from my East Coast jaunt.  I have a tendency to allow small piles of stuff to develop around my house .... I have stuff on the dining room table, in the corner of our bedroom, in my laundry room, in the empty upstairs bedrooms .....  Nothing major but just little piles that I need to deal with once and for all.  The garage needs to be sorted.  I have promised myself that I will do all this in October, my favorite month.  A new beginning perhaps.  The next in a long line of 'new beginnings'.  Well, I can at least say that with every 'new beginning' I do actually make mental progress.  It is just SO SLOW.  Evidence of my poor brain function/organization?  Yes, probably.  There is brain damage here, I'm just not sure how to classify it.  Neglect and trauma in babies and young children definitely causes damaged wiring, that's a fact.

I'm going through a bad patch but I'll make it out.  Me and this wonky brain, we've spent a lifetime together, miraculously making it this far.

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Saturday Night: Darkest Before The Dawn

“Always we hope someone else has the answer, some other place will be better, some other time it will all turn out. This is it; no one else has the answer, no other place will be better, and it has already turned out......"
- Lao Tzu

Time seems to be getting away from me.  I have spent the past couple of months assisting various family members in their 'Life and Health' endeavors, which has left me precious little time for myself.  I am hoping that will change come mid September and I'll be able to take a breath and focus more on the things that I need to be doing.

I need to reassess my health, my finances and my overall general situation in life, and I hope to be able to do that when I can sit down for a bit and work on some plans.  I have a couple of trips coming up, one to the east coast, so I need to get done with those first.

The heat and humidity here have been just unbearable of late, not to mention the various brush fires that keep producing choking smoke.  This year has been the worst of any of the years I have lived here in the Mojave desert for brush fires.  They seem to have become a constant factor in daily life and I am getting tired of it.  I'm not sure what's going on.  We are hearing sirens day and night although the police department have stated that we are not dealing with an arsonist.   Obviously, that thought has crossed minds.  Couple that with the humidity..... and there are days when I have felt murderous.

I have also been doing a bit of traveling.  The spouse and I visited Wyoming and Utah, looking for a possible retirement destination but I don't know ..... this mythical destination called 'retirement' isn't as magical as I'd imagined.  It is representing a stage of life that, honestly, I never thought I'd reach and I admit to having held it out as a sort of gilded carrot on a stick.  Now that the carrot is within grasp, I don't really want it.  Everywhere we visit, it's the same: the same big box stores, the same housing tracts, the same stressed and harried people, the same traffic. What is the point?

It's ridiculous but what I really want to do is to go back and redo the last 20 years!  That is how I am feeling tonight.  I've let this feeling build up and now it needs to come out into the light for study.  I would like to go back and finish some of the things I started but couldn't finish because of other people's needs and influences.

"I took a wrong turn back there somewhere."

Perhaps it is the constant togetherness that the spouse and I experienced for the 3 months following his heart surgery.  That was such a stressful event and for the time that ensued the surgery ..... I went on autopilot to be able to endure it.  He is doing great, by the way, completely re-engineered, as it were.  But there is trauma there.

As readers of my writings will know, I made some serious mistakes in the past with the family finances and with relationships outside of my family.  I allowed people in who should never have been allowed to set foot inside.  However, I have worked through those regrets and I feel that I have served my penance over the past 20 years.  I am not haunted by those constant feelings of regret anymore.  I have worked through those emotions.

So what is wrong?

I am feeling that life has passed me by and that there is nowhere to go from here.  The world has become even more of a dangerous place and I've left it too late to visit some of the places I really wanted to see.  The Japanese call this 'Paris Syndrome'.  One works and saves for years to be able to afford a luxury, blow-out, romanticized trip to Paris but, when faced with the reality that actually IS modern day Paris, the shock of that reality is too much to handle and deep depression sets in.  I think I am experiencing something akin.


My father "tried to commit suicide" last month.  My sibling, in her particular impartial manner, says that he was seeking attention and is angry over the way my mother has cognitively declined.  Well, we all know that he didn't take care of our mother/his wife properly and that his laziness, ignorance and carelessness contributed mightily to this state of affairs but ..... suicide?  I don't believe it.  I find it hard to believe that he actually tried to off himself.  Sociopaths, as a rule, do not do that.

He chose his 78th birthday to do the deed.  My sibling texted, then called me in a dramatic panic as is her normal state, to inform me that I needed to jump on a plane forthwith and get my arse over to the UK ASAP.  Not given to taking orders from my dysfunctional UK family, and already serving out a Zero Contact mandate, I informed my sibling that I would be doing no such thing as my plate is already full on this side of the pond with my own immediate family affairs.  This, of course, went down like the proverbial lead balloon. I was surprisingly calm and matter of fact.  There was no argument, tears, cursing or stunned silences.  Nothing would surprise me with this lot and their machinations to continually assault my emotions and so I treated the situation as just that.

My father had apparently taken an overdose of sedatives that had been prescribed for my mother's sundowning and my sibling found him with an old rusty shotgun across his lap.  The spouse remembered that my father had hidden this gun in the attic and, obviously, the leaking roof hadn't done it any favors and it probably wouldn't have fired anyway.  But .... really?  Was this the way he planned to exit?  An ambulance was called and arrived 2 hours later.  My father was admitted to the hospital, evaluated, deemed incapable of looking after himself let alone our mother/his wife, and plans have had to be made for our mother's care.  My sibling says that our mother is so far gone that she doesn't know who or where she is.  That breaks my heart.

A social worker entered my parents' house with my sibling to evaluate conditions and promptly filed some sort of emergency report with the County.  Apparently, someone finally noticed that my parents were living in a hell hole filled with spider webs, insects, no heat or hot water, broken windows, a broken toilet and extremely high levels of mold.  Then I began to get angry.  These are all the things I tried to fix a year ago with no help from my highly manipulative yet ineffective sibling and her scheming husband.  They only want whatever money is left from the estate. 

Whenever I have to deal with that bunch of dysfunctional fuckers in the UK, the end result is that I make myself ill with stress and rage.

Yes, I am finally allowing the deep, buried rage to work its way out now and it hasn't been pretty.  It has tried to force its way out for years but different lids - shopping, spending, FOOD, booze, hash, destructive people - have served as distractions.  I've never really dealt with my rage but I know it's there.  As I no longer employ distractions, I am dealing with my rage head on.

Most of the time these days, I confine my violent hissing outbursts to when I am alone but unfortunately I haven't been able to always control it around other people and my family have come in for it just lately.  My temper has really been a bitch.  I used to read or hear about other people being 'filled with rage' and would wonder what that truly felt like because I self medicated so much.  I never wanted to acknowledge that I myself am filled with rage, never wanted to fully admit to it but it's true.  I know what real rage feels like and I hope it will burn off over time.  It's an extremely violent reaction that comes up from deep within and anything can set it off but the person who sets it off the most for me is my father, closely followed by my sibling and her bullshit.  For this reason, I absolutely CANNOT return to the UK to visit my blood family - no matter what - because there will never be any resolution of this destructiveness by, from or with the people who caused it.  We will never, ever be whole and there is no use in my pretending otherwise.  It's DONE.

Christ, when will this turmoil be over?  When will I be able to finally feel that I am a 'normal' person??  I am afraid that I will never know what it feels like to be truly happy.  My life seems to be a continual round of dealing with one stressful situation after another.  Honestly, I am strong and I am a survivor but this is testing me royally.

In one of my rages last week, the spouse blew his top and shouted "When will this be over?"

I thought for a second and replied desperately, "When my father is dead!  When my father dies, I will feel like....... Free at last!  Free at last!  Thank god almighty I am free at last!"  That is truly how I felt then and how I feel now.  Of course, I've borrowed MLK's quote ...... and it was said off the cuff, with such powerful conviction on my part with fists raised in the air, wild eyed and felt right through to my very core with a flash of hope in that belief ....

....that the spouse looked at me as though I had lost my mind.  I meant every word. I need to be free of this mental and emotional oppressor.  The man who gave me life but who yet resented me every day of every year for as long as I was forced to live with him, who would threaten to take that life away and bury me in the back yard under the dahlias .... what other trauma did I endure as a child that remains stored, unremembered by me yet indelibly stained within my psyche? 

I am a damaged individual, to say the least.

I am a constant work in progress.

Some weeks I feel as though I'm breaking through, other weeks I feel as though I'm breaking down.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

A Life Update

Well hello everyone!  I've been off the radar for a quick minute.

What's been going on around here you ask?  Well ....

1.  The spouse
He underwent surgery.  It was a major surgery which involved replacing and repairing various parts of his heart and pulmonary anatomy.   He was born with congenital heart defects that he had been largely unaware of until tests revealed the hidden, ticking time bombs in his chest.  Now, he is a bionic man with synthetic tubing and artificial valves where once there were natural aneurytic arteries and diseased valves conspiring to bring him down  And way before his time.

He has a long, very neat scar from the base of his neck to his lower abdomen.

Intensive care was scary for a while but I never doubted that he was in excellent professional hands and I had faith, for the first time ever when it comes to a situation as out-of-my-control as this one has been, that he would recover and be fine.  He is making a good recovery and is home from the hospital with a pile of meds (most temporary) and equipment to help him regain his independence in walking, bathing and other activities of daily living.

The spouse is not out of the woods and never will be.  The grafts could fail, as could the valves, but he's doing his best to lose weight, stay motivated and cheery.  He hasn't suffered depression in the slightest, nor fear.  It has been quite an amazing experience for us both.  I am impressed, as always, with his resilience and his matter-of-fact manner in dealing with life's curves.  He says that he has had good practice because he is, after all, married to me.  LOL

For my part, I am impressed with the way I have handled this situation.  I used to fall apart, my underpinnings having being planted in such weak foundations.  This time, I found a strength within that enabled me to NOT bawl my eyes out when the nurses wheeled my man away to be carved up.  I was determined not to do that.  I told myself that this situation was NOT ABOUT ME.  It was about being a rock for my rock.  I saw him waver at the end, potentially staring death in the face.  Still, I stayed strong and so did the rest of the supportive family there with me.  No one cried while we waited with him.  We'd already done plenty of that in secret beforehand, in the days when we first found out that our Main Man was in trouble.  For me, it would've been unacceptable behavior on my part.  He needed to see that I could cope. I stayed focused and razor sharp (pun!).  I was his advocate and believe me when I say I advocated.

We are now on the flip side, working on cardiac rehab and looking forward to the much lengthened future.  After seeing the surgical report, we now know that the spouse was actually living on borrowed time.  He was in even worse condition than revealed by the CT and MRI scans.  I don't think he would've lived out this year.

We smile a lot, laugh a lot, love a LOT.  Life is good, thanks to a brilliant talented surgeon and his impressive surgical team.  These people are truly amazing to be able to do what they do.

2.  The Immediate Family
Our kids are doing well.  College is over for us finally.  No more pencils, no more books.  The most recent college grad is interviewing for jobs but entirely enjoying being at home too much.  This has been a surprise development.  For months, the kid has been telling us that jobs were lined up, which they were not.  Yes, I have seen the diploma so I know that the course of study has been completed but I am bewildered at this complete lack of motivation.  Not good.  I am sure, however, that the situation will be remedied.  It has to be.  There is no other recourse.........

We have 2 kids who have excelled.  Both hold demanding, professional jobs earning big money.  They are great kids who supported me beyond belief while their father was in the hospital.  They are both involved in strong relationships, one just got married.

This third kid was also a great support, has always been very supportive.  Unfortunately, despite graduating from a global top engineering college, this kid is exhibiting signs of Failure to Launch.  It is beginning to cause stress at home because this kid needs to get out into the world and build a life.  We need to get that butt off the couch.  I fear there could be signs of depression, inherited from my side of the family no doubt.  I'm not sure what to do about this situation.  I don't want it to blow up but, given the fact that enough rope has been handed to this kid over the years, all signs point to GO.  I'm staying calm but holding firm that things must progress and evolve.  Stay tuned.

The fourth kid, Cat, carries on as selfishly as ever.  I sent her a text and an email to let her know that her dad was about to undergo major surgery and that she was welcome to come home to see him before he was admitted.  She knew her father was in the hospital but never even bothered to so much as send a text to ask about his well being.  She lives in a dope house in a poor part of town with a guy who is no good.  She spends every cent of her earnings on pot (I have a spy) and has just turned 30 years old.  She is jealous of her siblings and their successes.  She cannot be around us and we don't want her around, I'm sorry to say.  Life is easier with Cat out of the mix.  She has lost yet another job and is on the way to being bounced out of her current job.  She owes money to family and (ex)friends.  She cannot come back home here to live when she loses her job and car UNLESS she agrees to rehab, which she will not do.  Honestly, I cannot live with her anyway so I have no idea how this years long situation is going to ultimately play itself out.

3. The Extended Family
My father is still an asshole.  My sibling and her husband are still assholes.

My mother is trapped indoors, a victim of increased dementia and agitation.  She is now incontinent.  She has just been released from the hospital into my father's 'care' but I'm damned if I can figure out why.  Is the UK health care system so far gone that it is acceptable for an incontinent woman with Alzheimer's to be released back into the care of an elderly man with gimpy legs who may have caused her bad fall to begin with?  I told my sibling that the potential for abuse on the part of my father was huge.  I have no idea how my mother is being kept clean and hygienic.  I cannot imagine.

I've already detailed the horrendous living conditions within my parents' home: extreme mold, leaking roof, substandard bathroom facilities and plumbing, poor cooking facilities.

My father is a cheapskate who has always been a cheapskate.  I left home and was on my own at 18/19 years of age and so I wasn't always aware of just how big of a cheapskate he was/is but I'm finding out now.  He is an awful human being.  I feel terrible for my mother but I have removed myself from the equation and the situation entirely.  I have no input, I have no say.  I receive my news second hand from an extended family member.  That is the extent of my involvement with my UK family.  There is no dealing with the jealousy, the bitterness, the rage and the dysfunction that emanates from that group of people and so I have chosen to remove myself from the madness and have gone Zero Contact.  When my mother dies, I am positive that they won't even tell me.

To be continued ......

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Sunday Night: Not Sleeping

Evening all.  As usual, I am still here plugging away.

Lots of stuff going on.  Doctor consultations and the agony of deciding what to do for the best.  As it turns out, we seem to have zero choice in the matter.  Surgery is a must.  The spouse will undergo what is probably the most major surgery one can have and the thought of him not making it through is so unacceptable to me that I am compartmentalizing the whole thing and visualizing only post surgery, with him making a full recovery.  I have a constant dull ache in my lower gut which I know is stress manifesting itself.  I am also eating everything in bloody sight and that's not helping.  Food is "comfort" but is it really?  NO.  Not to this extent.  I am completely at sea at the moment, but drawing on the coping skills that I have learned over the past decade.  I am not shopping, or hoarding, or pigging out at the local buffet.  Just eating all the groceries and watching too much escapist TV.

I have plans for this week.  Decluttering.  If heaven forbid, something happens to the spouse, my adult children will do one of two things: ask me to move closer or move in with me.  I won't be here by myself.  So decluttering must continue, either for house sale or to make room for some people.  It is a thought and situation that I don't allow myself to think about.  I am so 'good' at denial and pretending that disaster isn't imminent.  It's how I survived my father.

Let's talk about something over which I have some control: spending.  I am on track for reaching my grocery budget goal at the end of 2017.  One third of the year has almost passed and I am right on track to spend $6500 on food this year, which is half of what we have been shockingly spending in past years.  I haven't been inside a mall in months (since Xmas) nor have I been inside a restaurant.  Restaurants were my biggest problem ~ I loved to have other people cook for me!!  Now, I can't stand the thought, thanks to Kitchen Nightmares and food poisoning.  Food ~ it's purchase, preparation, consumption ~ is absolutely the next realm of life that I need to conquer.  I'm getting there.  Slowly.

I am thankful for my now small circle of family and friends who are truly here for me.  They have always been here for me, as I am for them always.  Together, they will help me ~ and we will help each other ~ to get through this latest crisis.

Of course, I wouldn't be 'me' if I weren't engaging in some soul searching and self analysis in a better effort to understand my motivations and to try to forgive myself for certain transgressions.  I try not to transgress anymore.  In fact, there's no try to it ~  I do not transgress plain and simple.  I work to live a clean and simple life, devoid of deception, lies and self destruction.  I'm just trying to be a better person, kinder to myself and others.  When I think of some of the things I've done, I feel a deep shame to the core and it's a very uncomfortable feeling.  I see now why I worked so hard to never have to feel that feeling again.  It's devastating to realize that those who were supposed to have loved, supported and protected one as a child actually did the complete opposite and turned one into an anxiety ridden shameful mess, full of deep insecurities and self loathing.

On that note, my Zero Contact stance remains intact.  I have not contacted my UK family and I don't have any plans to contact them.  This Zero Contact thing is working out OK for me.  I miss talking to my mum but apparently her memory loss has accelerated and she 'wouldn't know me if she fell over me' ..... one of her favorite sayings.  I have accepted that my mother is at the end of her life and I can only hope that the end comes with dignity.  If I am called upon by extended family in any way for assistance in this regard, however, I will provide it.  I'm not heartless.  My only request in that case will be for my father to be kept far away from me.  He made me what I was: angry, reckless, defiant, indulgent, addictive, ignorant, irresponsible .... and I don't want to be that person ever again.  I don't want to see him or talk to him.  My relationship with him, such as it was/wasn't, is over and done.  Dead.

I have a very good relationship with certain other extended members of my UK family.  We chat back and forth.  These family members know what my father is and so I am allied with them.  They are supportive and we have long histories with each other that can't seem to be killed LOL  We share gossip and they let me know how my mum is doing as and when they get news.  It's far better than nothing.

In my own immediate family life, I have 3 great children who have gradually come into their own over the past year or so.  These 3 are pursuing careers at the top of their games.  I am very proud of them and their hard won achievements.  All 4 of my children went to university and acquired degrees from the top programs.  However, 1 of my children ~ Cat ~ began to go astray in 2011.  She still managed to finish college and gain her credentials, a minor miracle indeed.  Since then, I have had to cut her out of my life a couple of times.  We stopped talking to each other from 2011 to 2013 after she stole a large sum of money from me to fund her drug habit.  I let her back into my house in 2013 after the guy she was living with threatened to kill her with an assault rifle because she was using him for rent.  She stole from me again in 2015 and I haven't seen or heard from her since, although I know exactly where she is, what she is doing, and which guy she is using now.  There have been a succession of these hapless types, funding her lifestyle.  I have my own means of keeping tabs on her for now, which I do to make sure she is still alive.  I believe that Cat is most certainly a narcissist, if not a sociopath.  There is no reasoning with addicts.  I should know.

My question:  Cat knows full well of her father's medical condition and need for impending surgery.  She doesn't know that the surgery has come up on us faster than expected and so .... should we tell her what's going on, even though she has made no effort to apologize for her latest theft, or should we shut her out and tell her afterwards, when and if?  Her drug use over the years has made her unstable and arrogant and we don't need any more drama so this has to be considered.

I think I've gotten some stuff off my chest here, maybe now I can sleep.  Off to bed.  I hope life is being kind to you.  Peace.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

It's Tuesday: An Update

Well, I'm still here plugging away in La La Land.  I hope my readers are all doing well today :)

Just some stuff:

1.  I'm determined to cut our darn grocery/food bill down to a sustainable level.  We've been spending in excess of $13,000 a year which is ridiculous, despite the fact that I have been tracking expenses for almost a decade now.  This is how long it takes me to lose my 'support' systems!  And yes, food has most definitely been a support.  And don't even ask me how much money we used to spend when we had 4 teenagers in the house.  We could retire on that amount alone.  Anyway, I wanted to really make the effort this time to cut the food bills by 50% and, at the end of this first quarter, I am on track.  I don't want to spend much more than $6500 for 2017 onward.  It has been surprisingly easy on this particular 'food challenge' attempt to stick to the budget.  It hasn't been anywhere near as painful as it once was, so there's progress!  I'm sorry to sound so pathetic.  Many of the blogs I read are headed by determined men and women who just get on with it.  I, on the other hand, have spent a lifetime just trying to function in a non destructive manner and, up until 10 years ago, failing terribly.  The past 10 years have been good though!  Varying degrees of progress but the trajectory has ultimately always been upward, I will say that.  One step back and two forward.  So, I need to make some adjustments for April in order to make it to the end of that month bang on target. I'm pleased.

2.  We've stayed out of restaurants and have turned down numerous related invites.  This has made us pariahs both inside and outside of the family.  Friends have copped an attitude and I'm about to dump a long term friendship over the snippy manner in which one particular 'friend' is handling herself.  She has turned from a support into a competitor somewhere along the way, always having to prove me wrong even going so far as to bring supporting documentation every time we meet for chrissakes.  Get over yourself, lady.  You're becoming toxic and I don't do toxic. 

The family is both bemused and bewildered at our complete lack of desire to eat oversalted/greased/sugared food outside of our own kitchen but we've stuck to our guns.  I can't believe that we've FINALLY succeeded at conquering this particular heretofore expensive problem.

3.  We're taking our first trip of the year soon.  It is going to be completely self catered, as in no restaurants.  All food and cooking supplies/utensils are in the process of being packed.  I'm planning this with military precision as we've never done anything like this before.  It'll be fun, I tell the spouse.  He cocks an eyebrow and looks skeptical but is, as usual, along for the ride.  It's an experiment and I'll post the details of how this goes in a future post.

4.  We are consulting with Cardiothoracic surgeons.  The spouse has a very major health issue.  Unbeknownst to him, he was born with a major heart defect.  Major.  How the hell can one get to a certain age/point in life and not already know about such a thing?  Throughout his life, he's been told one minute he has a heart murmur and then, the next, that he doesn't.  No one thought to do any tests when he was a kid.  Well, he DOES have a fucking murmur, stupid doctors.  We found out about this some time ago but I never mentioned it here.  Along with everything else that goes on in my life, now I am dealing with another life or death situation.  Don't get me wrong.  The spouse is healthy as an ox and asymptomatic.  The heart issue was only discovered several years ago by an excellent cardiologist (who has become our friend) when the spouse was about to get on a plane on company business.  So, anyway, now we know and we have known and the time is drawing near when something is going to have to be done about this condition before the spouse drops dead.  The cardiologist thought that the spouse had some years left yet before surgery would be necessary but the results from the last CT scan show that not to be the case.  It sounds like a daunting situation and it is BUT .... the spouse's condition is a silent killer and we consider ourselves lucky that we even know about it at all.  The surgery will be as major as it gets.

See now, my UK family have been aware of the spouse's health issues all along and yet still manage to continually behave like massive, spoiled, selfish country bumpkin rubes.  I think it's obvious, now, why I had to cut them out of my life.  I just couldn't deal with any more crap and I am barely emotionally recovered over the past 6 months from our last visit to the UK anyway.  ALL of my emotional resources are needed for the here and now, for the people who TRULY love me.  The spouse has taken good care of me for decades and now I am going to make sure that he gets the best of care and attention and gets through this thing in one piece.  So fuck off 'dad', we don't have time for your shit.

5.  As with all addicts, I will have to replace one addiction with another and I'm trying to start a new obsession and become 'addicted' to Health.  This will of course benefit the spouse too.  He is doing pretty darn well on his diet regimen, not bad at all.  It's all about the diet and exercise.  Speaking of, I am doing pretty well on the weight loss side of things.  It's very slow and steady because it's emotionally difficult to lose one's 'armor' but I'm getting there.  I am seeing progress and I'm not backsliding the way I always used to do.  It's hard to overcome those fundamental cracks in one's character when PTSD is the base one has to work from.

6.  The appraiser is on hold for the minute.  With the news that the spouse is facing surgery, we cannot take on any more extra work or stress until the most important issue is resolved.  We will have more news on this in a few months.

7.  House work.  There'll be some of this going on in a couple of months.  We need to finish up and put in the new flooring upstairs. 

That's all for now.  Peace.

Sunday, March 12, 2017

The Decision Has Been Made

Well, it has been decided.

We are selling our beloved home and going out on the road.

My job tomorrow is to find an appraiser so that I know what my asking price should be for this house.  Our real estate market keeps on going up so ... it's now or never.  We need to sell and bank the money.

I am going to miss this house.  It saved our asses back in 2009 and it will always occupy a special place in my heart.  This house has good vibes.  I knew it was 'home' the second I walked in the front door.  It's going to be hard to sell and leave.